Thursday, December 18, 2014

Numb.

Im not sure exactly when it happened, but it finally happened.
"It" hit me.

I don't remember this happening when Recker was diagnosed.
I thought I was holding it together so well.
Now I avoid contact with everyone because I feel like a crazy person.
You can't even ask me a simple question like "How are you doing?," without the waterworks.

In the last week or so at least five separate people have walked into this trap and I apologize whole heartedly. You were being so kind and asking a simple question, being polite. Im sure you never expected what came next. Just know I love you for being so kind and understanding.

I have absolutely no control over my emotions lately.
I frequently feel this out of body feeling like I'm walking through a dream, almost like I'm in shock.
Theres a knot in my throat at all times.
My stomach is constantly churning and nervous.

I received an email from a fellow ASD mom telling me that she recently was told that she may be facing the same thing with her second son. She asked me "How are you doing this?! Because I can't..." I didn't know what to say. I was instantly sick to my stomach. No one should have to go through this. I told her the truth. That I wish I knew how to answer her question and that I am NOT doing "this," because I honestly don't know how.

Im taking it one day (sometimes one hour) at a time. "Just Get Through Today" is written on jeremy and i's message board right now.

I always told myself and others with a smile that if Ezra did end up being diagnosed that at least we know what we're doing now. I couldn't have been more wrong. I don't know what Im doing. I don't know how to do this. Im still trying to figure it out.


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