I need to make some major changes after the hellish year that was 2014. When I sat down and really thought about how things have changed since having children I realized I lost a major part of myself when I transitioned into the roll of wife, mother and caregiver. Don't get me wrong, I would never give up those roles, they are who I am now, they are what drive me, they are everything I love. But I used to be full of life, happy, and I lived for Art. Any type of art, I saw art and beauty in everything, everywhere I went. I used to photograph moments that really moved me, ones that I can still feel in my soul when I look back at them. I miss that. I miss feeling anything but sad, discouraged, frustrated, and scared. I am dying to feel anything positive and uplifting again. So I've decided to put an end to feeling bad, stop complaining about "losing myself" and finally make some changes, I've decided to take control of my life again.
My New Year's Resolution for 2015 is to put myself first.
It sounds terrible, I know. But my entire life revolves around AUTISM: Therapies, Dr Appointments, Trainings, Research, Social Security Meetings, DES meetings, DDD meetings, ALTCS meetings, arguing with insurance companies, (DOES YOUR HEAD HURT YET?) starting the new ABA (behavioral program) program, IEPs and IFSPs, Research (again, and more and more research), advocating, alternative treatments, plus trying to keep my marriage, house and life together on top of all of that.
In all that craziness I have stopped caring for MYSELF. Doctors have been telling me this since Recker was born. That I need to put myself first, take care of myself so I can be healthy (physically, mentally and emotionally) enough to care for my boys...you know the whole "Put the oxygen mask on yourself before you help your children and others" thing). So thats what I'm gong to do. Im going to force myself to delegate time, therapies, meetings etc to others who are capable of helping with the boys. And learn to say "No." I have such a hard time saying no to others even when I know I don't want to do whatever is being asked of me. Ive realized that I need to start putting my feelings first. If I can't or actually just don't want to do something then I need to own that and be honest with everyone especially myself and start doing things I want to do.
I want to start school again!
I want to create art again!
I miss my camera, I miss the dark room!
I miss alone time! (even if it means just grocery shopping alone!)
I miss juicing and eating what I want! (not just what my picky boys will eat!)
I miss feeling and looking myself!
I miss not being able to wear nice clothes because I'm afraid my boys will trash them!
I miss dating my husband!
I miss traveling (oh Mexico how I miss you)!
I miss working!
I miss laughing, like really belly laughing!
I miss girls nights!
I miss reading!
I miss being/feeling healthy!
I miss a clean & organized house!
I miss being laid back & not caring so much!
I miss being fun, care free and spontaneous!
I miss "ME" These things are who I was and want to be again.
If I want to see change, I must make change. Im at a point in my life where I need to make big changes and this is going to be one of them. I need to make some time for myself,
for my wants & my needs.