Wednesday, December 31, 2014

I resolve to be selfish in 2015...

I need to make some major changes after the hellish year that was 2014. When I sat down and really thought about how things have changed since having children I realized I lost a major part of myself when I transitioned into the roll of wife, mother and caregiver. Don't get me wrong, I would never give up those roles, they are who I am now, they are what drive me, they are everything I love. But I used to be full of life, happy, and I lived for Art. Any type of art,  I saw art and beauty in everything, everywhere I went. I used to photograph moments that really moved me, ones that I can still feel in my soul when I look back at them. I miss that. I miss feeling anything but sad, discouraged, frustrated, and scared. I am dying to feel anything positive and uplifting again. So I've decided to put an end to feeling bad, stop complaining about "losing myself" and finally make some changes, I've decided to take control of my life again.

My New Year's Resolution for 2015 is to put myself first.

It sounds terrible, I know. But my entire life revolves around AUTISM: Therapies, Dr Appointments, Trainings, Research, Social Security Meetings, DES meetings, DDD meetings, ALTCS meetings, arguing with insurance companies, (DOES YOUR HEAD HURT YET?) starting the new ABA (behavioral program) program, IEPs and IFSPs, Research (again, and more and more research), advocating, alternative treatments, plus trying to keep my marriage, house and life together on top of all of that. 

In all that craziness I have stopped caring for MYSELF. Doctors have been telling me this since Recker was born. That I need to put myself first, take care of myself so I can be  healthy (physically, mentally and emotionally) enough to care for my know the whole "Put the oxygen mask on yourself before you help your children and others" thing). So thats what I'm gong to do. Im going to force myself to delegate time, therapies, meetings etc to others who are capable of helping with the boys. And learn to say "No." I have such a hard time saying no to others even when I know I don't want to do whatever is being asked of me.  Ive realized that I need to start putting my feelings first. If I can't or actually just don't want to do something then I need to own that and be honest with everyone especially myself and start doing things I want to do.

I want to start school again!
I want to create art again!
I miss my camera, I miss the dark room!
I miss alone time! (even if it means just grocery shopping alone!)
I miss juicing and eating what I want! (not just what my picky boys will eat!)
I miss feeling and looking myself! 
I miss not being able to wear nice clothes because I'm afraid my boys will trash them!
I miss dating my husband!
I miss traveling (oh Mexico how I miss you)!
I miss working!
I miss laughing, like really belly laughing!
I miss girls nights!
I miss reading!
I miss being/feeling healthy!
I miss a clean & organized house! 
I miss being laid back & not caring so much!
I miss being fun, care free and spontaneous!
I miss "ME" These things are who I was and want to be again.

If I want to see change, I must make change. Im at a point in my life where I need to make big changes and this is going to be one of them. I need to make some time for myself,
for my wants & my needs. 
I need to stop neglecting myself, because I'm important too.

Monday, December 29, 2014

Tender Mercies & Blessings.

This year has been hard. Really Really Hard.

We started our year off with a horrific life changing event, and then Jeremy was laid off several times,  I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Hashimotos Disease, and Ezra was Diagnosed with Autism.

I know this blog tends to be mostly about those horrible things, and in hindsight I kinda hate that. But at the same time, this is where I come to vent. I don't really have anyone I can go to to purge all of this crap so I come here. Its cathartic to put it out there in the universe, therapeutic to release it and not hold it in.

But as I was looking back this year, we have had way more tender mercies than we had trials. And as the year ends I want to focus on all those amazing blessings, look forward and up.

Some amazing blessings that my family has received this year range from "small" to huge, i'll list just a few (there are so many i couldn't list them all).

-We accidentally had money put into our bank account and when I went in to talk to them about it and let them know, the bank manager sat down with me to look at it. We chatted, small talk, about what I do for work, my family etc...anyways he fixed it and I was on my way. On my drive home, he called me on my cell phone and told me that he wanted to leave the money there for us. He told me to go do something fun with my boys and husband that weekend.

-I had surgery in June and the recovery was set for about 1-2 weeks in bed, but because I had just been diagnosed with an auto immune disease my recovery was taking longer than it should, it ended up being almost a whole month. During that time, I had so much help from my siblings watching my boys so Jeremy could get a break. So many amazing people from our ward brought meals, treats and stopped by to "babysit" me so Jeremy could run to the store.

-We were able to bypass an 18 month long wait list to get Ezra in. The nurses at the office knew how stressed I was and called me when they had a cancellation and we were able to get in two days later. This was HUUUGE for us. It saved us 2 years of waiting for Ezra to get services.

-We are so lucky to have such amazing family and friends and neighbors who are always willing to watch our boys when we need to run to a doctor appointment, grocery shop or just to get an hour alone to catch my breath.

-We saw such generosity when we posted our Go Fund Me account. People we don't know, long lost acquaintances, family, friends. Everyone was willing to donate what they could and it meant so much to us, especially when i would see they "shared" it on social media.

-We have been blessed with such a generous and understanding ward. They have gone above and beyond to help us any way they can. They are so patient with us and our boys, I couldn't ask for a better ward. We hope that things get easier in the next few months so we can start coming more frequently and consistently.

-We were blessed to have two amazing providers for Recker. We started with one and she was with us through some really hard times and Recker loved her, unfortunately we went our separate ways but we still love her and miss her :) We recently welcomed a new provider Chelsea, she has been so patient and understanding with me and my boys as we start this new HAB-M program with Recker. Its a new thing for all of us and she has made it so much easier. Things have been hard lately and she has made things easier for jeremy and I both. We went on a date for the first time in, i don't know probably MONTHS, the other night and it was just what the doctor ordered. She's amazing and we feel so blessed to have found her and have her working with us and our boys.

-This holiday season we were extremely blessed by several "Secret Santas" (i like to refer to them as our secret Good Samaritans). We received gift cards, and other amazing gifts from these nameless saints.

But I have to say a little something to the families that did the "12 days of Christmas" for our family. I can not tell you how you blessed us by doing this. The night we got your first gift was an extremely rough night, things were not good at home. Your gifts became the highlight of our holiday season. We were soooo excited every night to get home and find your note/drawing/painting and it was so fun. It lifted our spirits more than you'll ever know. We laughed and cried tears of gratitude every night as Jeremy and I sat and opened the gifts from you. You will never really know what you did for our family by doing this. It brought Jeremy and I closer, during a very strenuous time in our life. It was fun to fill the boys stockings full of all the little "knick knacks" you gave them. Jeremy and I decided we will be following your example and doing something similar for a family next year. Anyways you'll always be angels in our eyes. And I wish I knew who you were so I could hug each and every one of you. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

This year I am going to make sure to blog more about the positive and happy things going on in life. Yes I will still blog on those hard days and it will be honest, raw and ugly and a lot of you will probably want to skip those posts, and thats ok. Just know Im trying to stay positive, happy and bright. We are trying and still learning how to get there again. Luckily there are more good days than bad, but like everyone we have those bad days as well.

Thank you to everyone who has crossed our path this year, we have been blessed in so many ways and by soooo many people. THANK YOU!! WE LOVE YOU!!

Thursday, December 18, 2014


Im not sure exactly when it happened, but it finally happened.
"It" hit me.

I don't remember this happening when Recker was diagnosed.
I thought I was holding it together so well.
Now I avoid contact with everyone because I feel like a crazy person.
You can't even ask me a simple question like "How are you doing?," without the waterworks.

In the last week or so at least five separate people have walked into this trap and I apologize whole heartedly. You were being so kind and asking a simple question, being polite. Im sure you never expected what came next. Just know I love you for being so kind and understanding.

I have absolutely no control over my emotions lately.
I frequently feel this out of body feeling like I'm walking through a dream, almost like I'm in shock.
Theres a knot in my throat at all times.
My stomach is constantly churning and nervous.

I received an email from a fellow ASD mom telling me that she recently was told that she may be facing the same thing with her second son. She asked me "How are you doing this?! Because I can't..." I didn't know what to say. I was instantly sick to my stomach. No one should have to go through this. I told her the truth. That I wish I knew how to answer her question and that I am NOT doing "this," because I honestly don't know how.

Im taking it one day (sometimes one hour) at a time. "Just Get Through Today" is written on jeremy and i's message board right now.

I always told myself and others with a smile that if Ezra did end up being diagnosed that at least we know what we're doing now. I couldn't have been more wrong. I don't know what Im doing. I don't know how to do this. Im still trying to figure it out.