Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Life on Repeat...

Its been awhile...

Its been a hard year.
No honestly this year has been hell.

Every time I sit down to write, I get nothing.
Im not sure if I just don't to want to accept our truth, I feel like when I put our life into words, when I put it out there, that I have to finally accept it and acknowledge this is real, this is reality.
This is our life.

I can't explain the insanity this year has been. Ive spent way too many nights on my knees begging for help, for relief, for comfort.

Fortunately most parents do not have to experience the feeling of your child "slipping away" from you, but Jeremy and I have had to...TWICE. And its a pain unlike any other we've felt.

I just want him to stay! I don't want to lose him.
But he is slipping away, like Recker did.  Slower, but all the same in the end.

Every missed name recognition, every lost word or skill, his indifference...a stab to our hearts.

Everyday is torture.

Its been about a year now since we first felt it...We never actually said the words out loud (until recently), but we both knew. We would both look at each other and just know, then one of us ended up in tears with the other comforting them, lying, saying everything was going to be fine when deep down we both knew it wouldn't be.

It took YEARS to heal from Recker's diagnosis, honestly I'm not sure we had fully healed. And now another blow.

Jeremy and I were so excited to be able to go and do things with him that we weren't/aren't able to do with Recker. Yes I know how terrible that sounds (but imagine how horrible it makes us feels to be a parent and think that), but its true.

We love Recker more than life itself, but with his diagnosis came the reality that we won't be the type of parents we've imagined our entire lives. The image you have growing up of what you're life will be like as an adult, as a parent, was gone in an instant.

We thought when we had Ezra that we'd be able to partially fulfill that dream we had for ourselves (Selfish? Yes. But try and tell me you don't have little hopes and dreams for your child/dreams you've always wanted to fulfill as a parent).

We're dealing with that reality all over again.

Im not sure how much heartbreak a heart can take, but I can tell you, mine is almost beyond repair.

Why?! How am I expected to pick up these pieces again and mourn this loss again, with another child? Jeremy and I had just barely stopped crying and finally felt like we were healing from Recker's diagnosis. It just feels never ending. We were finally standing on both feet again, and just like that we get knocked onto our backs. AGAIN.

Our sweet Ezra has Autism.


  1. Kayla and Jeremy, my heart aches for you two. Those of us close to you and the boys, can see the battle wounds you are experiencing as parents, none of us can truly understand your pain. I only wish as their bonbon and your mother I could take it all away for you, I would in a heart beat if I could. The only blessing from this will be in the next life, when we are all together for Eternity, and seeing those boys with perfect body and soul. I love you

  2. Kayla, this is beautiful. I know that you were a special soul to be a mama to these boys. There is a reason they are with you and Jeremy. Hang in there. Lots of love and prayers your way.