Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Boys who can talk.

The absolute number one hardest thing we struggle with when it comes to Recker having ASD, is his inability to verbally communicate, he's non-verbal.   Plainly put, he can not talk.

When Recker was 11 months old he said his first word, "dada" followed shortly by "momom." I remember it vividly, the moment i first heard that word "momom." He and I were sitting on my bed, he was in jammies (seriously little guys in two piece jammies, there is nothing cuter). I was reading and he was looking through one of those drool proof baby photo books (you know the puffy ones?) and he said it. That feeling was incredible. Looking back i wish i would have reveled in it, would have made the moment last longer. Had i known i wouldn't be able to hear it much for longer, I'm sure i would have. Recker went on the next month or so learning new words: 'dada', 'momom', 'baba', 'no' and 'don't'.

The last word i remember him saying was "don't." He was yelling at Jeremy in my parents living room because we were leaving and he was picking up all of Recker's toys and putting them away.

"Don, Don, Don, Don, Don!" I remember standing on the other side of the couch laughing.

But he stopped. All of the words stopped. He changed.
Today, two and a half years later he still can not speak. 

But I've learned that does NOT mean he can not communicate with us.

I feel like i have had to go above and beyond to learn how to communicate with Recker. To anyone aside from Jeremy and some close immediate family, it may look like we have NO idea what Recker is "saying" or "telling" us. And some of the time that is true.

I have learned how to decipher different looks he gives me.
His body language.
The pitch and tone of his squeals.
Each different one tells me something.

I constantly am 5 steps ahead of him.
Have you seen how quick and sharp he is?

The thought that my son needs or wants something and can not TELL me. It KILLS me. I hate how hard it is for HIM.

The other day he came running and screaming into the room and had a big fat bloody lip. I was begging him to tell me what happened. He just looked at me with the saddest eyes, not because he was hurt and bleeding, it was different. He could not tell me what happened. He wanted to and couldn't. I started to cry with him. The fact that i will never know what happened to him, how he got hurt, is so hard for me.

Im haunted daily by the thought that  even though he is surrounded by enormous ammounts of love and attention, Recker probably feels so alone.
It is such a hard thought to grasp and handle.

I guess the reason i am writing about this is because it has been on my mind a lot more than usual lately. Something happened recently that i haven't been able to get off my mind. Up until a week ago i couldn't even talk about it. Luckily my sister is always there and completely understanding and more of a cry baby than me, so i know when i start sobbing i wont be alone.

So Jeremy and I were down in our community yard hanging out while Recker played with his cars. All the neighbor boys (ages 2-5) were out and at one point one of the boys parents called him inside for a minute. When he came back out, all the other boys had gone back to their homes. It was just Me holding Ezra, Jeremy, and Recker...

The boy asked "Where did everyone go?"
Jeremy replied "They all went home buddy."
He looked sad and disappointed. So i said, "Recker would LOVE to play with you!!"

Then came this...

"Well i just only want to play with boys who can talk."

Jeremy looked at me and whispered, "Did you hear that?"
Of course i heard it. I FELT IT. It pierced me to the core. I will hear that forever.

I sat there for a minute trying to collect myself so i didn't bring attention to what was just said. I didn't want to make the boy feel bad, but at the same time i was furious, sad, sick....mostly in shock.
But i had to go. I had to go anywhere. I couldn't be THERE any longer.
I walked home with tears quietly streaming down my face.

I curled up on my couch and just cried for what seemed like hours.

Recker and all his friends were always at an age where Recker's inability to speak wasn't very noticeable, or even acknowledged. He is older. They're all getting older, and it is obvious that something is different with their friend Recker.

Obviously the boy wasn't trying to be mean to be rude or mean, he was just being honest.
This was just the first time (of many to come, I'm sure) that we've had to deal with this. I am working on putting together a packet of some sort to give to parents and teachers to help their young children understand Recker and explain why he does some of the things he does and why he can not talk, to explain why Recker is "DIFFERENT, NOT LESS". Hopefully this will help raise awareness with children, and they can start learning acceptance and tolerance at a young age...Stay tuned for that information. Hopefully i can get it all together within the next month or so!


  1. Oh goodness! I am that same emotional person too. There have been sad moments I have only shared with my husband cause I cannot bring myself to share without crying. I am crying for you guys right now! And those same tears I have had from the same sadness with Brody. The boy I used to nanny would say, "Brody doesn't like me cause he never talks to me". I am sorry that you experienced that and sorry that Recker hasn't found his words yet. Brody has some words but I wouldn't say he is verbal cause you cannot really talk to him without lots of prompting. Brody does not have expressive language at all. Ryan will try to talk to him all the time and Brody won't answer or even pay attention to him. Some days I feel it kills me a little each time I see two brothers who cannot connect.

    Kayla you are so right! Our boys may different but absolutely NOT less. They work hard for each word and more will come!!

  2. Reading this breaks my heart. I can't even imagine the heartache and worries that you and Jeremy feel for Recker as parents. On a more positive note, I think it is fantastic that you are taking such a proactive approach to helping the people in Recker's world become more aware so they can learn to be more understanding and accepting.

  3. Recker is the sweetest boy ever! You are such a great mother, and your family is the cutest.

  4. Recker is the sweetest boy ever! You are such a great mother, and your family is the cutest.