Sunday, October 7, 2012

Breaking through Denial...

Jeremy has been wanting a baby for such a long time and me, well i didn't. But we prayed about it and felt it was the right time to try, even though i still had certain reservations and concerns, we knew it was the "right time." Fortunately we don't have trouble in the getting pregnant area and found out we are EXPECTING in FEB 2013!! We were/are both so excited, but there has been this dark cloud hanging over in the back of my mind. One that i have been trying to stay in denial about and just pretend is not there. I haven't been ready to face it or think about it, honestly im still not, but it slips closer and closer daily. As i try to find the strength to type these words, i get that lump in my throat, the one that you get when you're trying not to start sobbing. The words and thoughts that have haunted me DAILY since "D-Day," ....will the rest of my babies be diagnosed with ASD also? Will i spend the rest of my life surrounded my by children and never be blessed to hear their voices? Will the rest of my children have to struggle like Recker has/does? This is my reality. I know i need to just trust in the lord and i know that i will not be given anything that i can not handle. But how do i do that when i still am trying to heal from Recker's diagnosis? It is harder and harder everyday, as his peers and friends grow and develop new skills, knowledge and talents, its devastating to see your child at a stand still, with no improvements and developmental growth. How do i not worry about my future children? How am i not supposed to be absolutely terrified about this? I have talked to several other moms with children on the spectrum and luckily I've found that i am not alone in feeling this way. That helps. I just keep trying to remember how absolutely blessed we are to even have Recker in our lives and how many blessings he brings to our life. I just worry. Its a mothers nature to worry right? I just can't get that sick feeling out of my stomach and the back of my mind. I have such amazing family and friends who are so supportive but unless you actually are living in our position its impossible to understand this fear. Prayers, prayers are what are keeping my head up everyday. Faith and my knowledge in the gospel, knowing that i am not alone in this, even on those days when it seems unbearable and like you are desperately alone....FAITH.

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